Hello Everyone! I wrote this text when I arrived in Vancouver in 2018, it was an assignment for my college. I chose it to be the first article in this blog because it was a very intense time of my life and I really learnt important matters about life, changes and spirituality.
By the way, I married again in 2020.
What am I going to do? This is usually the first question many women
think after a divorce or facing an unexpected pregnancy.
Motherhood is expanding every year and the purpose of this text is to
support those women with children, who work and have a crazy-daily routine at
home, through some important and funny steps to achieve happiness, without
the obligation to be perfect mothers.
The most important factor is accepting your current situation and move to
the next level. It is not simple but when you accept the life changes you will be
more prepared on the solution of your conflicts.
Then, next step is related to self-confidence therefore being a single
mother you should be the number one in your priorities list. Please do not think
that it means that you are a selfish person, or you do not care about your
children. On the opposite side, it is a matter of health and well-being. You must
be mentally and physically prepared for this challenging role.
This is the right time to look for a psychologist, if you need one. Then,
change your haircut and buy new clothes; replace your furniture or
accommodate it in different places. The new order is re-start, take your pajamas
off and be yourself with a new perspective.
Life changes can be painful but surely it has always brought learning and
wisdom; and most important spiritual growth. Body, mind and spirit
harmonized to obtain success and serenity.
Now, that you are surprisingly feeling capable to go through this new part
of your life, the next step is not less important; the financial side is a key for
your success. After deciding the monthly amount your ex-husband will commit for the
children’s support, partner or in some cases, government assistance, you need
to prepare your budget to offset the cash income and expenses. It is an
important tool for managing your finances and being ready for any kind of event.
Besides, time is a crucial point for single mothers and financial organization will
help you to save it.
We live in a modern civilization facing all the technological advances of
the 21th century, and it is sad to see that even today the prejudice against
single motherhood exists. The discrimination usually comes from other married
women who try to ostracize single mothers in school, friends’ groups or work
teams. If it happens with you inform the authorities immediately.
I have a friend who was removed from a WhatsApp mother’s group after
her divorce. Her strategy was extraordinary and simple, first she ignored them,
then asked for one of the mothers to add her to the group again because she
had left it by chance. It worked perfectly.
The next step is accepting your role as your children’s educator,
leading them to grow and become independent. Your children should participate
at this stage, surely it will depend on the age and maturity of each one, working
together as a team. Talking about school, house duties, and establishing limits
for education. Some mothers lose control of their children for not establishing
limits, they really need it.
Do not try to be perfect or lie, your children will understand if you could
not watch their play or another event in school, tell them the truth to not create
anxiety. Show the importance of your job for the family’s budget and they will
realize the great mother you are.
Moving to the work tip, the tension generated when suddenly you see
yourself alone, taking care of your children, home, job, how can you reconcile
all these tasks?
Informing your direct boss about your new marital status is always the
best alternative, proposing more flexible laboring hours at the office, with the
possibility of working from home some days, if possible. Do not be afraid to ask
for help. If the company values your work they probably will accept this request,
if they do not allow it, you can look for a new job that meet your current
situation. Many companies today have flexible working schedules for mothers.
The competition in the labor environment may increase after you get
divorced because, unfortunately, some people will try to take advantage of your
weakness at that moment. Do not panic, just ignore their movement, you are a
professional and you have focused on your job for years. At the right point they
will see it and return to the usual routine.
Gradually you will overcome this phase and achieve the level of
production that your superiors expect from you, you just need time to balance
your new functions.
A mother’s group is an important tool for support you at all moments. You
are not the only single person at your children’s school, work, gym, etc. Try to
look around and make new friends with the same conditions as you, sometimes
your family can not play the baby sitter roles when you need. Open your mind
and you will be surprised by the infinite alternatives that life offers to you.
Putting together single women with different histories, interacting,
supporting each other in daily routines and changing experiences can motivate
the entire group.
It is perfectly normal that the relationship between you and your ex-
husband will get worse after the divorce. All the emotions from that period of
your life, such as the fear to be alone, anger and jealousy, will be minimized
when you accept this change. Whatever the reasons for the rupture are, try not
to find a culpable side thereby recognizing that as humans, everybody can
make mistakes. If you forgive him, you will be free, and you can start a new life.
I am not asking you to be your ex-husband’s best friend, therefore the
children both of you had together represent a strong connection because it is
simply forever. Besides, the presence of fathers is essential for the children’s
growth. Keep the communication relating to the infants and try to have a good
relationship. The whole family will benefit from it.
Undoubtedly, the most difficult step is learning to bond with someone
else again, single women tend to be alone for years after divorces. Although,
spending some time by yourself is highly recommended because you need time
to reconcile your new routine and life style after a break, and it is good to stay
alone for a period to overcome all the issues and pain you went through.
Some women try desperately to find new relations in bars, parties or by on-
line dating sites without being emotionally prepared for it, may causing even
more loneliness and depression. New relationships will certainly happen
naturally when you find yourself powerful and stable.
The way to be a successful mother, having a career, children and
relations is not easy and sometimes you think you will not be able to face all
these routines, problems, children, school, etc., life is not easy if you do not
accept the changes.
“When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment. That is
enlightenment.” Words of Eckhart Tolle in the book The power of Now.
Our mind is always trying to think about our happiness in the past and
future uncertainties, and we forget about the present moment, the now. You
could have been happy in your previous marriage or not, you could have had
good or bad memories; but you deserve a new life and for achieving it you must
live the moment of now. It is the most important side of your role.
After experiencing all these steps I hope you could understand the
meaning of a new essence full of happiness and satisfaction in all levels of your
life. These tips will help you to better deal with this new life and become
stronger.
That is it for today, I hope see you again!